Book two, chapters 1-3, in which King Arthur isn't as great as he thought he was. Also, more magic swords and decapitations.

 After more than a year-long hiatus, I decided to start up this blog again. I had already finished book one of this super thick volume; time to start on book two.

King Rience of Northern Wales, the one who wanted to add barely pubescent King Arthur's non-existent beard to his creepy beard mantle, attacks England, and there is much fighting at the border. Arthur, meanwhile, gathers up loads of knights in Camelot for council and jousts. 

They're visited by a beautiful (unnamed) lady wearing a thick fur coat. When she drops her coat to the floor, she reveals a big-ass sword tied to her waist. She explains that this sword is stuck on her, and only a good man without treason could draw it from the scabbard and free her from its cumbersome weight. Weirdly, Sword Lady doesn't say how she got it in the first place, but probably some magic dick like Merlin did it to her for shits and giggles. Anyway, she first went to King Rience the Creepy, but none of his knights could pull it. Next she moved on to Camelot.

Arthur holds a little speech which I must assume fooled absolutely no one, where he insists he does not claim to be all that good and virtuous and therefore the one chosen to draw the lady's magic sword, not at all, he just thinks it fitting that he'll be the first to give it a little yank, since he's king and all. He ends up pulling at the damn sword as hard as he can while Sword Lady protests that the one chosen to draw it shall do so with little effort. Eventually, Arthur gives up and lets all the knights of the round table try it too, but none succeeds. 

Now, someone decides to free Sir Balin (yep, like the dwarf in the Hobbit) from Arthur's dungeons, where he had spent six months for killing Arthur's cousin (whom Arthur apparently knew he was related to...? Despite knowing jack shit about his family otherwise...? Maybe it was his cousin by adoption, the child of Sir Ector's sibling or something). Just as Sword Lady is about to leave, Balin asks if he could try the sword as well, because although he's currently dressed in rags, in his heart, he knows himself to be as good as any other man. Sword Lady is suspicious, but eventually Balin persuades her to give him a try. Balin easily draws the sword, and the lady declares that this proves he's the least villainous and treacherous knight ever, destined to do great things. (I guess we can conclude from all this that Arthur's cousin had it coming, and Balin merely handed him his just deserts?) 

However, Sword Lady is a precog and suddenly has a vision: If Balin keeps the sword, it will lead him to kill his best friend, and ultimately be his doom. She asks to get the sword back, despite being tired of its weight, in order to protect him from this terrible fate. Balin dismisses her advice, decides to keep the sword anyway, and deal with any future problems as they arise. Now, in our own world (or rather, our own time, since Sir Thomas Malory assures us that these are historical records, not fantasy) it might make sense to dismiss someone's sudden vision of the future, but Balin should have known better. The odds that any random posh lady has legit magic powers in this universe seem to be around fifty-fifty. 

And his stupid dismissal immediately comes back to bite him in the ass! Next thing we know, the Lake Lady who gave Arthur his sword rides in on a horse. She reminds Arthur that he had promised her any favour whatsoever in payment for the sword, and Arthur goes yeah, I remember. Lake Lady then asks for Sir Balin and Sword Lady's heads! Arthur goes nooo, not thaaat, since he was just warming up to Sir Balin again after hearing Sword Lady singing his praise. Lake Lady reminds him that he promised her anything she'd ask for.
So this is the deal: Lake Lady had, by "enchantment and sorcery", destroyed many knights before, and also somehow conspired against Balin's mother to have her burnt at the stake. As vengeance, Balin therefore killed Lake Lady's brother. As vengeance for that, Lake Lady wants Balin dead, and she wants to kill Sword Lady (seriously, I wish more women got properly named in this book) because Sword Lady somehow caused the death of Lake Lady's father (details not explained). 

Everyone basically argues about who started it all, until Sir Balin resolutely decapitates Lake Lady. King Arthur is now furious over this breach in hospitality, but Balin just shrugs and rides off into the sunset, with a vague idea of eventually winning back Arthur's favour by killing King Rience of Northern Wales, the Creepy Beard Taylor. 

Arthur and all his knights lament Lake Lady (it's unclear to me why, exactly) and give her a grand funeral.