Book two, chapters 4-6: Sir Balin kills an orgulous idiot of a knight

Today's Arthur-reading bonus: I learnt a new word. Orgulous. It means haughty. 

Sir Lanceor, son of the Irish king and a knight of the round table, was a very orgulous knight. He got pissed off with Balin for drawing the magic sword (see previous entry) after Lanceor had failed. So pissed off, in fact, that he asks Arthur's permission to ride after Balin and kill him as revenge! WTF? That's some serious orgulousity right there! (Just kidding: "Orgulousity" is not actually a word.) King Arthur, still mad at Balin for decapitating Lake Lady, says okay. 

Suddenly Merlin arrives! He declares to everyone that Lake Lady was right, and Sword Lady really is a terrible bitch. Everyone goes wut? Yes, Merlin says, and I will tell you why (here comes the backstory I wanted last time!):
Sword Lady had a brother, a really good knight. She also had a boyfriend. Her brother didn't want anyone to bang his sister, so he killed the boyfriend. Now Sword Lady got really mad at her brother for doing this. So she went to the Lady Lile of Avelion and asked her for help. Lady Lile put the magic sword on her, and said that a great knight will be able to pull it out of its sheath, and after that happens, the same knight will end up slaying Sword Lady's brother.
Apparently Sword Lady thought this was a great plan at first, but from what we saw last time, she seems to have regretted putting this fate on Balin afterwards.
Merlin goes on to say that Balin is now dooooomed, dooooomed I tell ye, and this is super tragic, since he's the best ever. 

It seems, in this part of the text, as if the real evil of Sword Lady was that she conspired to murder her own brother. Even though said brother did kill her boyfriend, and this is the kind of thing that people normally think warrants vengeance by death in this book (heck, way smaller matters are considered sufficient grounds for killing your enemey - see Sir Lanceor's hate of Balin above). I guess him being her brother makes all the difference here.

Anyway. Sir Lanceor arms himself, rides after sir Balin, catches up with him and challenges him to a joust. Balin doesn't even know who Lanceor is (I guess because Lanceor joined King Arthur's court during the time Balin spent in the dungeon). Balin also (reasonably) thinks that Lanceor wants to avenge Lake Lady, rather than restore his pride after Balin drew a sword that Lanceor couldn't. When they joust, Sir Balin runs his lance straight through a) Lanceor's horse's neck, b) Lanceor's shield, and c) Lanceor's armour, all in one go, and both knight and horse drop dead.
I'm gonna go ahead and mark this blog entry with "superpowered knights", since, seriously... that's some jousting! (Balin's horse might need powers to for this to even begin making sense.)
Then Balin feels sad over killing Lanceor. And, yeah... he was killed for extremely stupid reasons, but on the other hand, Lanceor started it, and Balin only agreed to joust with him because he insisted. 

Next thing he knows, a lady rides up on a horse, says she was Lanceor's girlfriend, and now when he's dead, she's got nothing more to live for. She jumps off the horse, takes Lanceor's sword, and immediately faints. Then she wakes up again, and makes "great dole out of measure". Balin tries to take the sword from her, but he can't, since she's holding on so tight that he fears he might hurt her. So she commits suicide with it. Considering the super strength that sir Balin just displayed, I'm calling bullshit on him being unable to stop her from killing herself; he probably thought it was just easier to let her do it than dealing with her.

Right after this sir Balin's brother sir Balan rides up to him. They take off their helmets, hug and kiss. Balin asks what Balan is doing there, and Balan says he heard a rumour that Balin finally got out of the dungeon, so he "rode to this country" to look for him.
This raises so many questions.
If Balan wasn't even in England, then a) how did he hear about what happened at Camelot this same day? (I went back and re-read some parts but... it really does seem like it's still the same day.) Did they have magic telephones or something? Messenger ravens a la Game of Thrones with superspeed? b) What are the odds he'll actually come across Balin as soon as he rides over to England to look for him... like, England is pretty big?

Anyway. 

Sir Balin tells Sir Balan everything that happened, including his plan to get back into King Arthur's good graces by killing King Rience of North Wales, a.k.a. the creepy beard taylor. Right now, he lies at siege at Castle Terrabil. Balan promises to help his brother Balin with this, and they ride off together.

Book two, chapters 1-3, in which King Arthur isn't as great as he thought he was. Also, more magic swords and decapitations.

 After more than a year-long hiatus, I decided to start up this blog again. I had already finished book one of this super thick volume; time to start on book two.

King Rience of Northern Wales, the one who wanted to add barely pubescent King Arthur's non-existent beard to his creepy beard mantle, attacks England, and there is much fighting at the border. Arthur, meanwhile, gathers up loads of knights in Camelot for council and jousts. 

They're visited by a beautiful (unnamed) lady wearing a thick fur coat. When she drops her coat to the floor, she reveals a big-ass sword tied to her waist. She explains that this sword is stuck on her, and only a good man without treason could draw it from the scabbard and free her from its cumbersome weight. Weirdly, Sword Lady doesn't say how she got it in the first place, but probably some magic dick like Merlin did it to her for shits and giggles. Anyway, she first went to King Rience the Creepy, but none of his knights could pull it. Next she moved on to Camelot.

Arthur holds a little speech which I must assume fooled absolutely no one, where he insists he does not claim to be all that good and virtuous and therefore the one chosen to draw the lady's magic sword, not at all, he just thinks it fitting that he'll be the first to give it a little yank, since he's king and all. He ends up pulling at the damn sword as hard as he can while Sword Lady protests that the one chosen to draw it shall do so with little effort. Eventually, Arthur gives up and lets all the knights of the round table try it too, but none succeeds. 

Now, someone decides to free Sir Balin (yep, like the dwarf in the Hobbit) from Arthur's dungeons, where he had spent six months for killing Arthur's cousin (whom Arthur apparently knew he was related to...? Despite knowing jack shit about his family otherwise...? Maybe it was his cousin by adoption, the child of Sir Ector's sibling or something). Just as Sword Lady is about to leave, Balin asks if he could try the sword as well, because although he's currently dressed in rags, in his heart, he knows himself to be as good as any other man. Sword Lady is suspicious, but eventually Balin persuades her to give him a try. Balin easily draws the sword, and the lady declares that this proves he's the least villainous and treacherous knight ever, destined to do great things. (I guess we can conclude from all this that Arthur's cousin had it coming, and Balin merely handed him his just deserts?) 

However, Sword Lady is a precog and suddenly has a vision: If Balin keeps the sword, it will lead him to kill his best friend, and ultimately be his doom. She asks to get the sword back, despite being tired of its weight, in order to protect him from this terrible fate. Balin dismisses her advice, decides to keep the sword anyway, and deal with any future problems as they arise. Now, in our own world (or rather, our own time, since Sir Thomas Malory assures us that these are historical records, not fantasy) it might make sense to dismiss someone's sudden vision of the future, but Balin should have known better. The odds that any random posh lady has legit magic powers in this universe seem to be around fifty-fifty. 

And his stupid dismissal immediately comes back to bite him in the ass! Next thing we know, the Lake Lady who gave Arthur his sword rides in on a horse. She reminds Arthur that he had promised her any favour whatsoever in payment for the sword, and Arthur goes yeah, I remember. Lake Lady then asks for Sir Balin and Sword Lady's heads! Arthur goes nooo, not thaaat, since he was just warming up to Sir Balin again after hearing Sword Lady singing his praise. Lake Lady reminds him that he promised her anything she'd ask for.
So this is the deal: Lake Lady had, by "enchantment and sorcery", destroyed many knights before, and also somehow conspired against Balin's mother to have her burnt at the stake. As vengeance, Balin therefore killed Lake Lady's brother. As vengeance for that, Lake Lady wants Balin dead, and she wants to kill Sword Lady (seriously, I wish more women got properly named in this book) because Sword Lady somehow caused the death of Lake Lady's father (details not explained). 

Everyone basically argues about who started it all, until Sir Balin resolutely decapitates Lake Lady. King Arthur is now furious over this breach in hospitality, but Balin just shrugs and rides off into the sunset, with a vague idea of eventually winning back Arthur's favour by killing King Rience of Northern Wales, the Creepy Beard Taylor. 

Arthur and all his knights lament Lake Lady (it's unclear to me why, exactly) and give her a grand funeral.