King Rience of northern Wales, all of Ireland, and "many isles", sends a message to King Arthur. He says that he's defeated eleven other kings, and then forced them all to shave off their beards. Rience then took those beards and made a mantle out of them! However, there's still a hole in the mantle, where Rience intends to sew in Arthur's beard, so now he demands that Arthur shaves for him. Arthur says a) he's too young to have a full beard yet (like seriously, how young is he?), and b) also, fuck you King Rience, you're the biggest asshole ever, so many fuck you:s, fuck you forever (it's a longer speech but this is the gist of it).
So that was chapter 26. In chapter 27, I fear we've got a bit of a continuity issue.
Merlin had previously neglected to tell Arthur about his biological family, resulting in Arthur knocking up his big sister completely unaware of the family relation (although totally aware that she was married, but whatever, that never stops anyone in this book) (also, serious cradle-robber, that big sister of his). Later on, Merlin tells Arthur that now he's gonna have an incest baby with his sister, who's fated to destroy him. In chapter 27, however, it's suddenly like Arthur hasn't heard this. Now, Merlin just tells him that there's a child born on May-day who's fated to destroy him eventually. Arthur resolutely thinks to himself that there's no kill like overkill, and in a probably Herod-inspired move gathers up every child in the realm born on this day, including his incest son Mordred, and put them all in a boat that is pushed out to sea so that they will die. Both less efficient and less humane than if he'd just had all their heads chopped off!
Obviously people are very upset about this, but most of them blame Merlin more than Arthur, which is, okay, fair enough I guess.
Anyway, the boat crashes on a shore by a castle, and all the kids die except for Mordred, who's saved by "a good man" who takes him in and raises him.
And that's the end of book one!
tisdag 24 september 2019
fredag 20 september 2019
Book one, chapter 23-25 : Rome pays a visit, random fighting, Arthur receives Excalibur
Ok, so after a really long hiatus, for no reason in particular other than I had a lot of other shit to do, the Arthur saga is back. At this point, the super weird plot point with the Roman emperor is introduced.
Twelve knights arrive at Camelot, from Rome, telling Arthur he has to pay taxes. Arthur is like "Screw you, you can tell your emperor I'm coming down to pay him with my sword!"
Apparently, King Arthur was in an extra bad mood too, because Sir Griflet had been so badly wounded... in a fight he wasn't prepared for, and only engaged in because Arthur ordered him to.
You're weird, King Arthur.
Next day, Arthur is riding around on his horse, when he sees Merlin being chased by three murderous peasants. Was that a general problem, in these days? (Whichever "days" we're talking about, since there are so many anachronisms in this book?) Wizard-hating peasants? Arthur chases them off, and then tells Merlin that he just saved his life. Merlin is like nah, you totally didn't, I could have chased them off by magic any time if I wanted to, but I didn't feel like it. Merlin goes on to say that it's actually Arthur who's in danger, because he's soon gonna be in a fight with another knight, and soon enough they run into a knight called Pellinore, and Arthur fights him.
Pellinore is about to win the fight and kill Arthur when Merlin steps in and put a sleep enchantment on the former. Convenient! Merlin then goes into prophecy mode and tells Arthur that Pellinore is a really big knight (this is weird: Could "big" be used the same as "great" when this book was written? Or is he just literally very big? But if so, surely Arthur could see this with his own eyes, and wouldn't need Merlin to tell him?). He will have two good sons, Percivale and Lamerake, and one day reveal to Arthur the name of his own incest-son that he had with his sister (because, remember, Merlin hadn't bothered to tell them that they were actually siblings), who's fated to destroy the realm.
Unfortunately, Pellinore destroyed Arthur's sword in the fight. Merlin brings him to a lake, in the middle of which a white-clothed arm sticks up from the water, holding a sword. Merlin is like look, you can have this one instead!
So, I didn't quite get all this from just reading the book, I also did a bit of googling, but apparently the Lady of the Lake or the ladies of the lake (even though they talk about her in singular terms in this chapter, there are more of them later on) are like a kind of fairie species in English folklore. And they don't literally live in lakes, they live in a sort of magical fairy realm, but they put glamours over the portals making them look like lakes, which they ascend from when entering our world. So this lake lady who was holding the sword above the water now comes up and gives it to Arthur, on condition that he's gonna do her a favour later on when she asks. And Arthur agrees to this! He has no idea what the favour is gonna be or when she's gonna ask it. He's just "cool sword, sure, I'll do you a favour, whatever whenever."
Also, the sword has a magic scabbard, that makes Arthur invulnerable for as long as he carries it. Neat!
Twelve knights arrive at Camelot, from Rome, telling Arthur he has to pay taxes. Arthur is like "Screw you, you can tell your emperor I'm coming down to pay him with my sword!"
Apparently, King Arthur was in an extra bad mood too, because Sir Griflet had been so badly wounded... in a fight he wasn't prepared for, and only engaged in because Arthur ordered him to.
You're weird, King Arthur.
Next day, Arthur is riding around on his horse, when he sees Merlin being chased by three murderous peasants. Was that a general problem, in these days? (Whichever "days" we're talking about, since there are so many anachronisms in this book?) Wizard-hating peasants? Arthur chases them off, and then tells Merlin that he just saved his life. Merlin is like nah, you totally didn't, I could have chased them off by magic any time if I wanted to, but I didn't feel like it. Merlin goes on to say that it's actually Arthur who's in danger, because he's soon gonna be in a fight with another knight, and soon enough they run into a knight called Pellinore, and Arthur fights him.
Pellinore is about to win the fight and kill Arthur when Merlin steps in and put a sleep enchantment on the former. Convenient! Merlin then goes into prophecy mode and tells Arthur that Pellinore is a really big knight (this is weird: Could "big" be used the same as "great" when this book was written? Or is he just literally very big? But if so, surely Arthur could see this with his own eyes, and wouldn't need Merlin to tell him?). He will have two good sons, Percivale and Lamerake, and one day reveal to Arthur the name of his own incest-son that he had with his sister (because, remember, Merlin hadn't bothered to tell them that they were actually siblings), who's fated to destroy the realm.
Unfortunately, Pellinore destroyed Arthur's sword in the fight. Merlin brings him to a lake, in the middle of which a white-clothed arm sticks up from the water, holding a sword. Merlin is like look, you can have this one instead!
So, I didn't quite get all this from just reading the book, I also did a bit of googling, but apparently the Lady of the Lake or the ladies of the lake (even though they talk about her in singular terms in this chapter, there are more of them later on) are like a kind of fairie species in English folklore. And they don't literally live in lakes, they live in a sort of magical fairy realm, but they put glamours over the portals making them look like lakes, which they ascend from when entering our world. So this lake lady who was holding the sword above the water now comes up and gives it to Arthur, on condition that he's gonna do her a favour later on when she asks. And Arthur agrees to this! He has no idea what the favour is gonna be or when she's gonna ask it. He's just "cool sword, sure, I'll do you a favour, whatever whenever."
Also, the sword has a magic scabbard, that makes Arthur invulnerable for as long as he carries it. Neat!
söndag 21 juli 2019
Book one, chapter 21-23: The mystery of Arthur's age
When Queen Igraine has arrived at Arthur's place, Sir Ulfius challenges her - or, rather, some male champion of hers - to a fight. He says that if only she'd publically told everyone that Arthur was her and King Uther's son, and thus the rightful heir, lots of war and fighting could have been avoided. Igraine explains that Merlin just took the baby away from her right after birth to adopt him away, and she didn't know until just recently which family he ended up with or even that his name was Arthur. Everyone is like ok, so it wasn't your fault, it was Merlin's fault… and then everyone is just fine with things? Like Sir Ulfius doesn't challenge Merlin to a fight instead, on finding out that he's the one to blame? Probably because Merlin is a wizard. Wizards get away with shit.
Next, a young squire called Griflet wants to be one of King Arthur's knights. He's really, really young; no older than Arthur himself!
So, I'll paus here to consider Arthur's age. I wanna know exactly how old he is! He's described as this young, beardless boy, and now another boy, same age as him, is said to be too young to be a knight. At the same time, Arthur has actually already produced two children of his own. One of those stories I didn't recap, because it's basically just "Arthur meets hot lady, they have sex, she got pregnant", the other one is the accidental incest. How old is he?
Anyway. The fully adult knights think that Griflet is too young to be knighted, but Arthur says otherwise (maybe he's biased by being just a kid himself?). So Arthur knigths Griflet, on the condition that (now Sir) Griflet challenges some random (but adult) knight who's camping in the area to a fight, and comes back after the fighting is done.
Sir Griflet rides out to this knight's camp and challenges him to a joust. The other knight is like "Seriously? I'm an adult man with lots of jousting experience, you're just a kid." He says he really doesn't wanna fight Griflet, but Griflet insists. Eventually the knight agrees to jousting with him, and promptly runs his jousting lance through Griflet's body. Griflet manages to make it back to King Arthur's place even though he's got this lance through his chest (it doesn't go through the middle of his body but more to the side - still though).
If you wonder whether anything important hinged on this young kid fighting way above his league and ending up seriously injured in the process, the answer is "no", absolutely nothing. But I guess Griflet proved that he's really tough or something? Or that he's the kind of guy who'll do as he's told by his superiours, regardless of how mad the orders.
Anyway, Griflet is treated with "good leeches" and recovers! Wow. Those are some leeches!
Next, a messager arrives from the Roman emperor who demands that King Arthur pays truage, or else Rome will destroy England. But Arthur refuses!
Next, a young squire called Griflet wants to be one of King Arthur's knights. He's really, really young; no older than Arthur himself!
So, I'll paus here to consider Arthur's age. I wanna know exactly how old he is! He's described as this young, beardless boy, and now another boy, same age as him, is said to be too young to be a knight. At the same time, Arthur has actually already produced two children of his own. One of those stories I didn't recap, because it's basically just "Arthur meets hot lady, they have sex, she got pregnant", the other one is the accidental incest. How old is he?
Anyway. The fully adult knights think that Griflet is too young to be knighted, but Arthur says otherwise (maybe he's biased by being just a kid himself?). So Arthur knigths Griflet, on the condition that (now Sir) Griflet challenges some random (but adult) knight who's camping in the area to a fight, and comes back after the fighting is done.
Sir Griflet rides out to this knight's camp and challenges him to a joust. The other knight is like "Seriously? I'm an adult man with lots of jousting experience, you're just a kid." He says he really doesn't wanna fight Griflet, but Griflet insists. Eventually the knight agrees to jousting with him, and promptly runs his jousting lance through Griflet's body. Griflet manages to make it back to King Arthur's place even though he's got this lance through his chest (it doesn't go through the middle of his body but more to the side - still though).
If you wonder whether anything important hinged on this young kid fighting way above his league and ending up seriously injured in the process, the answer is "no", absolutely nothing. But I guess Griflet proved that he's really tough or something? Or that he's the kind of guy who'll do as he's told by his superiours, regardless of how mad the orders.
Anyway, Griflet is treated with "good leeches" and recovers! Wow. Those are some leeches!
Next, a messager arrives from the Roman emperor who demands that King Arthur pays truage, or else Rome will destroy England. But Arthur refuses!
tisdag 16 juli 2019
Book one, chapter 18-20: Merlin's adoption scheme is the gift that keeps on giving
King Leodegrance of Cameliard is taken prisoner by King Rience of North Wales. Since King Arthur loves the former and hates the latter (we're told), he and kings Ban and Bors gather an army and goes on a rescue mission, which succeeds. In connection with this rescue mission Arthur also spots Guenevere, Leodegrance's daughter, and falls in love with her for the rest of his life since she's hot. This is such a weird trope, and yet it stays strong even in fairytales written waaaaaaaaay later than this one… King/Prince/Knight sees a really hot princess, and bam!, he's in love, despite the fact that he knows nothing about her personality or anything, and however hot she is she's a) likely not the only hot woman in the realm, and b) unlikely to stay as hot for the rest of her life; people age, after all.
Next, King Arthur sleeps with King Lot's (of the Orkney Islands) wife when she visits his court, because she's also hot, and throughout this book it's taken for granted that although you might fall in love for the rest of your life after seeing one hot lady, you'll still naturally gonna bang any other hot lady you meet later on. Unfortunately, she's Arthur's sister, but Arthur doesn't know this because he was unnecessarily adopted away by Merlin as a baby. They later on have an incest baby named Mordred. (Merlin's unnecessary adoption scheme: The gift that keeps on giving!).
There's a short passage where Arthur meets King Pellinore who hunts the Questing Beast - we're not told much about QB except that it's big and very strange, and there's a rumble in its stomach that sounds like thirty hounds (specifically thirty, not just a large sum of hounds) barking. After that, Merlin, temporarily magicked into the likeness of a young teenager, pops up. Merlin is acting all mysterious, and be like "I knooooow you… I know your thoughts… and I know that your father was King Uther Pendragon, and your mother was Igraine."
King Arthur says the child is clearly just bullshitting because there's no way some random fourteen-year-old could know who his parents are, and also this is false.
!!!!!!!!!! Arthur himself doesn't know about his biological parents yet, even though he's learnt that he was adopted!!!!!
Merlin rides away, and comes back in old man shape. He asks Arthur why he looks so sad and thoughtful. Arthur tells him about the weird kid who was just there. Merlin replies that everything the child said was absolutely true, plus the Queen of the Orkney Islands that Arthur had sex with is actually his sister and now God is displeased with him for making an incest baby. That baby is gonna be the end of Arthur and all his knights.
Arthur's like WTF????? And who are you?
Merlin tells him who he is, and also that he was the kid, he just shapeshifted.
But seriously!!!!!! So far, we've seen Merlin telling other kings right and left that Arthur is actually the son of Uther and Igraine and so the true heir to the throne, when said kings have shown reluctance to accept magic sword-pulling as a basis for government. I took for granted that Arthur himself knew, and that he didn't know that the Orkney Queen was his sister because, IDK, they just went at it without discussing their respective families first, but apparently not. Merlin has told pretty much everyone except Arthur himself, who continued to believe that he was king by virtue of being the chosen one and good at pulling swords out of stones or some shit like that. Only now does Merlin tell him that yeah, you were actually the heir all along, and btw, you banged your sister and made an incest baby that's gonna be your doom.
Arthur's just sitting there like WTF did I just hear?????????
Merlin tries to console Arthur by saying (it's been firmly established by now that Merlin is a precog) that he's gonna die a hero, unlike himself, who's gonna have a shameful death one day. Like, WTF Merlin, that doesn't really make things better! You put Arthur in deep shit by first coming up with this completely unnecessary adoption scheme, then failing to tell him about his biological family despite telling literally every other royal person in Britain, and now you're like "oh sorry for all this, I kind of doomed you" - and Arthur's supposed to feel better because at least he's not gonna die shamefully like you will?
Chapter 20 ends with Arthur inviting Igraine to come see him, and she brings Morgan Le Fay with her.
Next, King Arthur sleeps with King Lot's (of the Orkney Islands) wife when she visits his court, because she's also hot, and throughout this book it's taken for granted that although you might fall in love for the rest of your life after seeing one hot lady, you'll still naturally gonna bang any other hot lady you meet later on. Unfortunately, she's Arthur's sister, but Arthur doesn't know this because he was unnecessarily adopted away by Merlin as a baby. They later on have an incest baby named Mordred. (Merlin's unnecessary adoption scheme: The gift that keeps on giving!).
There's a short passage where Arthur meets King Pellinore who hunts the Questing Beast - we're not told much about QB except that it's big and very strange, and there's a rumble in its stomach that sounds like thirty hounds (specifically thirty, not just a large sum of hounds) barking. After that, Merlin, temporarily magicked into the likeness of a young teenager, pops up. Merlin is acting all mysterious, and be like "I knooooow you… I know your thoughts… and I know that your father was King Uther Pendragon, and your mother was Igraine."
King Arthur says the child is clearly just bullshitting because there's no way some random fourteen-year-old could know who his parents are, and also this is false.
!!!!!!!!!! Arthur himself doesn't know about his biological parents yet, even though he's learnt that he was adopted!!!!!
Merlin rides away, and comes back in old man shape. He asks Arthur why he looks so sad and thoughtful. Arthur tells him about the weird kid who was just there. Merlin replies that everything the child said was absolutely true, plus the Queen of the Orkney Islands that Arthur had sex with is actually his sister and now God is displeased with him for making an incest baby. That baby is gonna be the end of Arthur and all his knights.
Arthur's like WTF????? And who are you?
Merlin tells him who he is, and also that he was the kid, he just shapeshifted.
But seriously!!!!!! So far, we've seen Merlin telling other kings right and left that Arthur is actually the son of Uther and Igraine and so the true heir to the throne, when said kings have shown reluctance to accept magic sword-pulling as a basis for government. I took for granted that Arthur himself knew, and that he didn't know that the Orkney Queen was his sister because, IDK, they just went at it without discussing their respective families first, but apparently not. Merlin has told pretty much everyone except Arthur himself, who continued to believe that he was king by virtue of being the chosen one and good at pulling swords out of stones or some shit like that. Only now does Merlin tell him that yeah, you were actually the heir all along, and btw, you banged your sister and made an incest baby that's gonna be your doom.
Arthur's just sitting there like WTF did I just hear?????????
Merlin tries to console Arthur by saying (it's been firmly established by now that Merlin is a precog) that he's gonna die a hero, unlike himself, who's gonna have a shameful death one day. Like, WTF Merlin, that doesn't really make things better! You put Arthur in deep shit by first coming up with this completely unnecessary adoption scheme, then failing to tell him about his biological family despite telling literally every other royal person in Britain, and now you're like "oh sorry for all this, I kind of doomed you" - and Arthur's supposed to feel better because at least he's not gonna die shamefully like you will?
Chapter 20 ends with Arthur inviting Igraine to come see him, and she brings Morgan Le Fay with her.
söndag 14 juli 2019
Book one, chapter 8-17: That time when the Muslims invaded Ireland
It's finally time for Arthur's coronation, held in the city of Carlion in Wales. The following smaller kings arrive: King Lot of Lothian and Orkney with five hundred knights, King Uriens of Gore (Morgana Le Fay's husband, if you remember) with four hundred knights, King Nentres of Garlot with seven hundred knights, the king of Scotland with six hundred knights, the king of Carados with five hundred knights… and finally, some dude who's merely known as "the King of One Hundred Knights". Seems a bit lame to have far fewer knights than any other king and not be known by your lands.
Arthur thinks they've come to celebrate, but instead they wanna murder him, for "being a beardless boy of low blood" not fit to be king (once again, Merlin's completely unnecessary adoption scheme bites Arthur in the ass). They lay siege to Arthur's castle. After fifteen days, Merlin arrives, and tells those kings, who apparently hadn't heard yet, that Arthur is actually King Uther's son and the true heir to the throne. Still, the kings aren't happy, and there's some serious fighting; eventually, Arthur wins the day by switching his regular sword for Excalibur, that suddenly lights up like a blow torch and blinds everyone around him, giving Arthur the upper hand.
Later, there is more warring. Arthur is joined by King Ban of Benwick and King Bors of Gaul with their knights. Other kings join the opposing forces, like the kings of Northumberland, Cornwall and Ireland (so many different kings!). It's just a lot of war at this point… I'm gonna skip quite a bit here. Kings Ban and Bors are apparently great fighters with great armies, so it made a really big difference to King Arthur that they joined him.
Eventually King Arthur's side has the upper hand, kills and drives back the enemy, and then kills some more… until Merlin suddenly shows up, dramatically, riding a big black horse, crying out that it's God's will that Arthur should spare the rest of his enemies, since they're retreating anyway. Also, Merlin says, they'll have their hands full during the years to come anyway, what with the "Saracens", trying to conquer Ireland. What is a Saracen, you may ask? Well, at the time of this book's writing, it meant Muslim. This little tidbit thus dates the Arthur saga: King Arthur became king around the same time as Muslims tried to conquer Ireland. You know, that time in history!
According to Wikipedia, the Arab geographer Muhammad al-Idrisi does describe Ireland in his big book on geography from 1138, so I guess Muslims might have set foot in Ireland before that? Presumably, though, we would have records of some kind of large-scale Muslim invasion in medeival times. Anyway, I dub this the first ingredient in what will become a large steaming anachronism stew as we move on through the story!
Arthur thinks they've come to celebrate, but instead they wanna murder him, for "being a beardless boy of low blood" not fit to be king (once again, Merlin's completely unnecessary adoption scheme bites Arthur in the ass). They lay siege to Arthur's castle. After fifteen days, Merlin arrives, and tells those kings, who apparently hadn't heard yet, that Arthur is actually King Uther's son and the true heir to the throne. Still, the kings aren't happy, and there's some serious fighting; eventually, Arthur wins the day by switching his regular sword for Excalibur, that suddenly lights up like a blow torch and blinds everyone around him, giving Arthur the upper hand.
Later, there is more warring. Arthur is joined by King Ban of Benwick and King Bors of Gaul with their knights. Other kings join the opposing forces, like the kings of Northumberland, Cornwall and Ireland (so many different kings!). It's just a lot of war at this point… I'm gonna skip quite a bit here. Kings Ban and Bors are apparently great fighters with great armies, so it made a really big difference to King Arthur that they joined him.
Eventually King Arthur's side has the upper hand, kills and drives back the enemy, and then kills some more… until Merlin suddenly shows up, dramatically, riding a big black horse, crying out that it's God's will that Arthur should spare the rest of his enemies, since they're retreating anyway. Also, Merlin says, they'll have their hands full during the years to come anyway, what with the "Saracens", trying to conquer Ireland. What is a Saracen, you may ask? Well, at the time of this book's writing, it meant Muslim. This little tidbit thus dates the Arthur saga: King Arthur became king around the same time as Muslims tried to conquer Ireland. You know, that time in history!
According to Wikipedia, the Arab geographer Muhammad al-Idrisi does describe Ireland in his big book on geography from 1138, so I guess Muslims might have set foot in Ireland before that? Presumably, though, we would have records of some kind of large-scale Muslim invasion in medeival times. Anyway, I dub this the first ingredient in what will become a large steaming anachronism stew as we move on through the story!
torsdag 11 juli 2019
Book one, chapter 4-7: On the difficulties of making a king out of a boy via magic stone-sword combos
Later on, King Uther falls very ill. All his enemies take their chances and go to war against him. Merlin tells him that they'll never defeat "the Northern army" unless King Uther himself joins the soldiers on the battle field. Uther protests that he's super sick. Merlin says it can't be helped, he really must go on the battle field. Since King Uther basically does everything that Merlin says, he agrees to being carried onto the battle field on a kind of stretcher hung up between horses. The Northern army is defeated, but after they get back home, King Uther, unsurprisingly, falls unconscious and is about to die. Merlin makes him wake up, Uther says Arthur is gonna be king, and then he dies.
Now, things would have been simple if Arthur had simply grown up as crown prince in Uther's castle, rather than being adopted away to this random dude Sir Ector for no reason. But as things stand, it's not that easy to convince the realm to accept this seemingly random kid as the new king. Really, my best guess as to why Merlin adopted Arthur away in the first place, was that he wanted to see to what extent Uther really thought with his dick, and how far he was willing to go merely to get the magic to glamour-rape a hot duchess. Merlin's like "will you do anything I ask? Really? Anything? Will you give me your first-born child?" and when Uther goes "yeeeees I'll do anything for sex with Igraine!" Merlin was probably like "uh... okay... Hadn't really expected you to agree to this one… but I guess I better take this child then, and arrange something…?"
Anyway. Merlin goes over to the Bishop of Canterbury and discusses how to convince everyone in England - everyone is now at war with everyone else after Uther's death, btw - that Arthur is their rightful king. He thinks a Christmas miracle might do the trick. So the Bishop sends for all the lords and gentlemen of the realm, tells them to go to the biggest church in London for Christmas, and the rightful king of England will be revealed. Sir Tomas Malory adds that the biggest church in London might be Saint Paul's, but he's not quite sure. It's important to him not to simply make shit up! This is, after all, historical records, not some kind of fantasy novel!
Then Merlin sets up this famous sword-and-stone combo, and a sign saying that whoever manages to draw this sword, is the rightful king of England. All the lords and gentlemen try, but no one succeeds.
Later, on New Year's Day, there's a big joust. Arthur's adoptive family, Sir Ector and big brother Sir Kay, come to partake of the joust, but Kay forgot his sword at home. Arthur then gets the sword out of the stone for him, and makes, like, the worst humble-brag about it: "Oh, I just wanted to get a sword for my big brother, so I casually borrowed that one, it was just sitting there anyway". The sword is placed ceremonially in the middle of the churchyard, with a big sign declaring that whoever draws the sword will be king! Like, seriously, no way he really just grabbed the sword all casual, not realizing the ramifications.
When Sir Ector finds out that Arthur drew the sword, he reveals to him that he was adopted, something Arthur had never been told before… because reasons.
However. All of this was not, after all, sufficient to make Arthur king. First he has to put the sword back again (every time he puts it back, it gets magically stuck again), and draw it once more, with more witnesses. But people still aren't satisfied that he really is the rightful king, so he gotta do the whole thing again at Candlemass, to show lords and gentlemen that weren't there the first time as well as people who have already seen him do it but still can't quite believe it. And then he's got a further sword show at Easter! Eventually, after even more sword shows, he's crowned king by Pentecost.
Next there's some war with Northern England, Scotland and Wales, and Arthur eventually conquers them… only then does Merlin reveal to the people that Arthur is actually the son of Uther and Igraine! So, really. So much unnecessary trouble by adopting him off to some rando knight.
Next: Even more war, with people who don't consider magic swords a reasonable basis of government.
Now, things would have been simple if Arthur had simply grown up as crown prince in Uther's castle, rather than being adopted away to this random dude Sir Ector for no reason. But as things stand, it's not that easy to convince the realm to accept this seemingly random kid as the new king. Really, my best guess as to why Merlin adopted Arthur away in the first place, was that he wanted to see to what extent Uther really thought with his dick, and how far he was willing to go merely to get the magic to glamour-rape a hot duchess. Merlin's like "will you do anything I ask? Really? Anything? Will you give me your first-born child?" and when Uther goes "yeeeees I'll do anything for sex with Igraine!" Merlin was probably like "uh... okay... Hadn't really expected you to agree to this one… but I guess I better take this child then, and arrange something…?"
Anyway. Merlin goes over to the Bishop of Canterbury and discusses how to convince everyone in England - everyone is now at war with everyone else after Uther's death, btw - that Arthur is their rightful king. He thinks a Christmas miracle might do the trick. So the Bishop sends for all the lords and gentlemen of the realm, tells them to go to the biggest church in London for Christmas, and the rightful king of England will be revealed. Sir Tomas Malory adds that the biggest church in London might be Saint Paul's, but he's not quite sure. It's important to him not to simply make shit up! This is, after all, historical records, not some kind of fantasy novel!
Then Merlin sets up this famous sword-and-stone combo, and a sign saying that whoever manages to draw this sword, is the rightful king of England. All the lords and gentlemen try, but no one succeeds.
Later, on New Year's Day, there's a big joust. Arthur's adoptive family, Sir Ector and big brother Sir Kay, come to partake of the joust, but Kay forgot his sword at home. Arthur then gets the sword out of the stone for him, and makes, like, the worst humble-brag about it: "Oh, I just wanted to get a sword for my big brother, so I casually borrowed that one, it was just sitting there anyway". The sword is placed ceremonially in the middle of the churchyard, with a big sign declaring that whoever draws the sword will be king! Like, seriously, no way he really just grabbed the sword all casual, not realizing the ramifications.
When Sir Ector finds out that Arthur drew the sword, he reveals to him that he was adopted, something Arthur had never been told before… because reasons.
However. All of this was not, after all, sufficient to make Arthur king. First he has to put the sword back again (every time he puts it back, it gets magically stuck again), and draw it once more, with more witnesses. But people still aren't satisfied that he really is the rightful king, so he gotta do the whole thing again at Candlemass, to show lords and gentlemen that weren't there the first time as well as people who have already seen him do it but still can't quite believe it. And then he's got a further sword show at Easter! Eventually, after even more sword shows, he's crowned king by Pentecost.
Next there's some war with Northern England, Scotland and Wales, and Arthur eventually conquers them… only then does Merlin reveal to the people that Arthur is actually the son of Uther and Igraine! So, really. So much unnecessary trouble by adopting him off to some rando knight.
Next: Even more war, with people who don't consider magic swords a reasonable basis of government.
onsdag 10 juli 2019
Le Morte Darthur: Book one, chapter 1-6. Arthur's origin.
Welcome to my big Le Morte Darthur read!
Le Morte Darthur was likely written by Sir Thomas Malory in 1469-1470. Interestingly, it starts out with a preface by the guy who printed it, William Caxton. Caxton writes that this is a very important book to print. You see, King Arthur was one of the "nine best". There have been (at the time of the book's printing, one assumes) nine "best" men: Three "paynims" (I guess pagans), three Jews and three Christians. They're Hector of Troy, Alexander the Great, Julius Ceasar, Joshua, King David, Judas Machabeus, King Arthur, Charlemagne, and Godfrey of Boloine. Caxton feels a special responsibility to print a book on King Arthur, since he's English.
I really can't help wonder whether we'll never have any "best" men again. Caxton presents this as some kind of final list. But what does he know? Maybe we're, like, up to twelve now?
Then he argues that King Arthur and his knights of the round table were totally real, since this was apparently controversial. But ok, this is really intended to be a history book, not fantasy book.
Let the story begin:
King Uther Pendragon was king of all England, and engaged in a long war with the Duke of Tintagil, a mighty duke in Cornwall. Eventually King Uther sort of forgot about the whole war business, because he got distracted by the hotness of the Duchess, Igraine. Uther called the Duke and his wife to his castle under the pretext of some kind of peace talks (I think; it's a bit unclear), but when Igraine realized it was all just pretext for Uther to bang her, she told her husband that they should leave immediately, and so they did. King Uther got really mad, and went back to warring with renewed efforts. For somewhat unclear reasons, the Duke arranged for Igraine to stay at castle Tintagil and himself to stay at castle Terrabil.
At this point, famous wizard Merlin is introduced! Uther is so horny that he promises Merlin pretty much everything if only he helps him to bang Igraine. Merlin says ok, I can help you, but she'll get pregnant, and then you have to give me the child she bears, and I'll place him in some family of my own choosing, although I promise it's gonna work out great. Uther is like yeah yeah, I'll do whatever, I'll give you my first born child, I don't care, I just wanna sleep with Igraine!
Uther is a terrible king! Kings shouldn't think with their dicks!
Merlin now puts a glamour or shapeshifting spell or whatever on Uther so he looks like the Duke, and on himself and one of Uther's knights so they look like two of the Duke's knights instead. Next, they sneakingly enter castle Tintagil where Igraine is staying, telling everyone they pass that the Duke is really ill and need to go straight to bed, can't chat with anyone, sorry. Everyone buys this, and Uther sleeps with Igraine.
This is not okay, Uther!
Later on, Igraine is told that the Duke was killed in battle before their sex, and she's like WTF? Since she's now a widow, King Uther promptly marries her.
In one sentence, we're then told that Morgan le Fay is put in a nunnery, where she learnt necromancy (which I guess was par for the course for medieval nunneries?), only to leave again and marry King Uriens of the land of Gorn. Literally one sentence.
Back to King Uther! Uther tells Igraine about the glamour rape, and she's happy that the child is his (I guess because now she doesn't need to worry that he'll kill her in a fit of jealousy or anything; since she absolutely didn't wanna sleep with him earlier, it's hard to see any other reason for this sudden joy). Next, little Arthur is born, and per the agreement, Merlin hands him over to some guy named Sir Ector, whose poor wife now has to give away her own baby for adoption in order to nurse Arthur instead.
Now, you might expect that this is part of some really cunning plan on part of Merlin. Ha! You're so wrong. It's completely pointless. Merlin just adopt Arthur away for shits and giggles. Seriously, absolutely nothing comes out of this, except that it's now more complicated to make him king when Uther eventually dies.
Next: The famous pulling of the sword out of the stone! Although it really doesn't work as well as it usually does in the movie adaptations.
Le Morte Darthur was likely written by Sir Thomas Malory in 1469-1470. Interestingly, it starts out with a preface by the guy who printed it, William Caxton. Caxton writes that this is a very important book to print. You see, King Arthur was one of the "nine best". There have been (at the time of the book's printing, one assumes) nine "best" men: Three "paynims" (I guess pagans), three Jews and three Christians. They're Hector of Troy, Alexander the Great, Julius Ceasar, Joshua, King David, Judas Machabeus, King Arthur, Charlemagne, and Godfrey of Boloine. Caxton feels a special responsibility to print a book on King Arthur, since he's English.
I really can't help wonder whether we'll never have any "best" men again. Caxton presents this as some kind of final list. But what does he know? Maybe we're, like, up to twelve now?
Then he argues that King Arthur and his knights of the round table were totally real, since this was apparently controversial. But ok, this is really intended to be a history book, not fantasy book.
Let the story begin:
King Uther Pendragon was king of all England, and engaged in a long war with the Duke of Tintagil, a mighty duke in Cornwall. Eventually King Uther sort of forgot about the whole war business, because he got distracted by the hotness of the Duchess, Igraine. Uther called the Duke and his wife to his castle under the pretext of some kind of peace talks (I think; it's a bit unclear), but when Igraine realized it was all just pretext for Uther to bang her, she told her husband that they should leave immediately, and so they did. King Uther got really mad, and went back to warring with renewed efforts. For somewhat unclear reasons, the Duke arranged for Igraine to stay at castle Tintagil and himself to stay at castle Terrabil.
At this point, famous wizard Merlin is introduced! Uther is so horny that he promises Merlin pretty much everything if only he helps him to bang Igraine. Merlin says ok, I can help you, but she'll get pregnant, and then you have to give me the child she bears, and I'll place him in some family of my own choosing, although I promise it's gonna work out great. Uther is like yeah yeah, I'll do whatever, I'll give you my first born child, I don't care, I just wanna sleep with Igraine!
Uther is a terrible king! Kings shouldn't think with their dicks!
Merlin now puts a glamour or shapeshifting spell or whatever on Uther so he looks like the Duke, and on himself and one of Uther's knights so they look like two of the Duke's knights instead. Next, they sneakingly enter castle Tintagil where Igraine is staying, telling everyone they pass that the Duke is really ill and need to go straight to bed, can't chat with anyone, sorry. Everyone buys this, and Uther sleeps with Igraine.
This is not okay, Uther!
Later on, Igraine is told that the Duke was killed in battle before their sex, and she's like WTF? Since she's now a widow, King Uther promptly marries her.
In one sentence, we're then told that Morgan le Fay is put in a nunnery, where she learnt necromancy (which I guess was par for the course for medieval nunneries?), only to leave again and marry King Uriens of the land of Gorn. Literally one sentence.
Back to King Uther! Uther tells Igraine about the glamour rape, and she's happy that the child is his (I guess because now she doesn't need to worry that he'll kill her in a fit of jealousy or anything; since she absolutely didn't wanna sleep with him earlier, it's hard to see any other reason for this sudden joy). Next, little Arthur is born, and per the agreement, Merlin hands him over to some guy named Sir Ector, whose poor wife now has to give away her own baby for adoption in order to nurse Arthur instead.
Now, you might expect that this is part of some really cunning plan on part of Merlin. Ha! You're so wrong. It's completely pointless. Merlin just adopt Arthur away for shits and giggles. Seriously, absolutely nothing comes out of this, except that it's now more complicated to make him king when Uther eventually dies.
Next: The famous pulling of the sword out of the stone! Although it really doesn't work as well as it usually does in the movie adaptations.
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